this is an important personal announcement. you may be wondering where the heck i have been for the last little while. or what is going on in my life. i’m writing this entry on the fly so i really do not have an end result in mind. but alas, it is time to fill you in a little. it is time to tell the world wtf is going on, and why it seems i had disappeared off the face of planet earth.
i’m not a fan of excuses, because i think they’re lame. excuses are a waste of everyone’s time and with that being said, i’m a fan of honesty. plain and simple. so here goes.
honestly… i had been lost for a while. my long-term relationship and my personal life were not going the way i wanted or ever dreamed of. because of this, and knowing this, for a long time i spiralled down into a black hole of total emptiness. and i knew it. i was stuck down there for so long that time literally no longer existed to me. days would go by, but it felt like hours. weeks would pass me by, but to me it felt like one day. my milestone 25th birthday came along, and the next thing i knew, i was turning 26. i lost 25 pounds almost overnight. (a whole ‘nother story) a few months later, death almost caught me but i somehow survived, miraculously. (thank you) the next thing i know, it’s christmas and then all of a sudden it was summer again and my 27th birthday was fast approaching. woah woah woah, hold on a minute. didn’t i just turn 25? life suddenly came to a screeching halt for me and i.just.could.not.do.it.anymore. i was absolutely sick of pretending, and sick of feeling sorry for myself. sick of the excuses. so sick of it all. it was time to start living. time to get my life back. time to give life back to those closest around me.
inside my head, my life is amazing. in my heart, i know exactly what i want, and i know i can have anything in this life that i truly desire. i also know i can get it, i can accomplish anything i set my mind to. i’m all about the law of attraction and i spend a lot of time thinking about the things i want in my life. i know how easy it is to create life and i most definitely know how fast karma works. however, on the outside, in my reality – i was not demonstrating this. and thus life turned into what felt like 1 day stuck on repeat. groundhog day. i’d wake up each morning smiling, determined and feeling like this is it… today’s my day! yet i was going to bed every night feeling so frustrated that i was not moving forward. feeling sorry for myself and all my failures for the day and all the days leading up to that day. everything that i had done wrong
about a month ago, i became sick with it all. so ill that i couldn’t eat, and all i felt was pain all over. pain in my heart, my soul, my life, my mind. and so my 6 and a half year relationship ended. that which i had avoided for so long and tried to ignore was really happening. i knew it was time to let go. to let go of everything i had, and to march forward fast and hard with my head held high. ryan is my best friend on earth and it was hard for me to gain the courage to let us go. i honestly want nothing more than happiness for him and for myself, and i could see that him being with me was no longer creating happiness, and i needed to act on my beliefs that life is too short to allow unhapiness. life is seriously to effing short. there is no pain greater than the pain that comes from trying to avoid pain, and we are living proof of this. in order for things to change in life, you’ve gotta do something different.
i want to keep this very short and simple, as i could write about this for hours. i wont bore you with the details but i want the world to know that as of july 8th, my 27th birthday, my life has begun again and a whole new chapter is being written in my story. on that day, i said aloud: today is the first day of the rest of my life. and i meant it. please, i ask that you not send us your sympathies. but rather compassion and happiness in the purest form. send us positive energy. things are wonderful right now. life is always simply whatever you say it is. i could focus on the bad and say that this is sad, or this is hard, or this will be difficult… but you know what? that’s what will then be created if you say and think those things. therefore, while i know there is a substantial mountain ahead to climb in terms of legalities, moving, mortgages and splitting up our posessions, i know that we can get through this. this is a test of strength, and boy do we have strength more than ever right now. what’s better than knowing that in a few months we’ll be stronger? what could possibly be better than knowing that in a few months we’ll be even happier, lighter, freer, and truly open and able to chase our dreams?
ryan, if you are reading this, you already know that i sincerely thank you for everything. i love and respect you more than you’ll ever know, and i am so excited that we both have a clean slate ahead of us to live life to the fullest. you have been a tremendous part of my life and while we have come to realize that we are on completely different life paths, i want nothing more for you than to find whatever your path is and ride the hell out of it! get out there and do all the things you’ve always wanted to do, show em what you’re made of and and don’t you ever let anyone hold you back. ever. i’ll always be here for you, and support you no matter what.
i’m going to be moving in with my folks temporarily at the end of July, and after that? my life is a blank canvas, waiting for that wild, colorful paint i’ve always wanted.
to the rest of you, thank you for your continued support during this time in our lives and thank you in advance for the support i know you will continue giving us both.
to my friends and family, you have been key elements in me finding my way out of the black hole, and i can finally see the light again. thank you, thank you, thank you!!!
and last but certainly not least, to my clients, thank you for being so understanding and awesome. i apologize for those who have waited on me for anything thus far, and i’ve been a really crappy business person. there’s no excuse for this, but now you know why. from now on, i’m really ready to do this. let’s get this thing started! i love you all!